Tuesday

Challenge 2007: Name an Animal I Can't Beat in a Fight

Ivan and I are drinking and watching Animal Planet. It's a charming show about the Giant Otter, which is clearly the most endearing of the water-based mammals. Whatever beavers. Anyways, I put forth to my brother my theory that I am not afraid of any animals (except Man - the most dangerous game). We came up with a few exceptions, but not a lot. Sure, I'm too scared to call out the old lady who cuts me at line in Whole Foods, but what's a coyote going to do to me? Bark? Eat my chickens? So I'm only listing the animals that are going to be problematic here. Clearly, if it's me vs a goat, I'm coming out victorious (unless that goat has studied his Agrippa. Which I have)

Great White Shark - This is the first one that everyone comes up with, and honestly the least scary. Haven't you seen The Princess Bride? Sure, those were eels, but it's essentially the same thing, and the same solution - a punch in the nose. Let's say I'm taking a little dip and I see the dreaded fin. My head ducks underwater and I face the shark head-on as he comes my way, not extending any limbs for him (or her, I guess. Do they make female sharks?) to grab. When the shark gets within say, 14-18 inches, a quick jab to the gills is extended, careful to steer clear of their (yawn) two rows of fangs. One bonk and the shark is off in search of prey that doesn't fight back. Come back when you grow a pair (of lungs).

Lion - Sure, lions can be intimidating, they're like 800 lbs. I get the sense most lions can't be bothered to eat the likes of me, but let's say someone is feeling extra motivated. I get behind a medium-sized tree, one I can reach around, but one big enough to prevent a direct charge. Lion goes left, I go right, always keeping the tree between us, all the while peppering his hairy face with two-fingered pokes in the eyes and a steady stream of profanity. Eventually he either gets tired of being poked and goes away, or goes blind and is quickly domesticated by me, spending the rest of his life fetching my slippers.

Alligators - These guys, along with their crocodilian cousins, are very linear. One line of toothy death. So like in Karate Kid II, when gators attack, I rotate at the hip, pivoting my shoulders. He speeds past me and I am off to the bar.

Grizzly Bear - My understanding is that if I make a lot of noise, a bear will run away. That's what my mom just said, and is in keeping with my years of ninja training. Better to fight another day, my friends. That's my strategy, and I'm going to apply it to polar bears as well.

Killer Whale - A killer whale would fuck me up, ok. Likewise with hippos.

Wednesday

Fish Sauce World Tour



My friend Leo and his (now) wife Song got hitched in Jinghong in South West China, and I took the opportunity to go to Manila with my friends Andrej and Cindy, and then after to Tokyo for work. Above is a picture of Andrej and my enormous forehead. Below is a picture of a frog in a puddle in Chiang Mai, Thailand.



Day One: SFO - Tokyo

The week before departure to Asia was fraught with stress of the most retarded sort, trying to complete work that could just as well have waited two weeks, gratuitous socializing and more than anything, a failed, tragic attempt to activate a new phone (bought in the hopes of being extra communicative whilst on the road). At any rate, I stayed up most of the night before in order to konk out on the flight and was dropped off by Jessica in good spirits. Spirits which were quickly crushed by the retirement home atmo of the SFO-NRT leg of my journey, courtesy of Northwest Airlines. Between the superannuated stewardesses bilking me for booze money, the mainland Chinese guy who I declined to swap seats with giving me the stink eye (I love the aisle, so much mobility) and the cardboard cuisine, it was a long, long 12 hours back to my 2nd (3rd? 4th?) hometown. I neglected to take any photos of this portion because you know what a plane looks like.


(Cindy on the Promenade in Jinghong)

Day Two: Tokyo - Bangkok

The mood improved immediately upon arrival at Narita, my ability to buy an onigiri and a beer unfettered by the rust of my Japanese language abilities. A quick hour and I was off to Bangkok. The sweethearts at JAL kindly bumped me up to Business, essentially ruining my ability to fly like a normal person ever again. Four varieties of sake? Twist my arm. The dorky rich kid next to me kept asking annoying questions ("What is...Campari?"), but otherwise the flight alone could probably have passed for a vacation. I arrived at Bangkok at 1AM local time, got the luggage that I feared might be lost and found my way to the airport shuttle, which drove me the 100 meters to the airport hotel. There I rendezvous'd with Andrej, who'd just arrived from Manila himself. We made vague attempts to make a night of it, but the bar at the Airport Novotel is hardly jumping, and we were both beat. I didn't take any photos of the airport hotel either.


(Isaac is not scared of bird flu)

Day Three: Bangkok - Chiang Mai

The next morning we grabbed Cindy at the airport and hopped a quick plane to Chiang Mai. Air Asia is a bit like Southwest Airlines, only without the shorts and the corny jokes that pass for congeniality. It was only an hour though, and we were there before I had a chance to get grumpy. Andrej, being in the hospitality business, had kindly organized the entire trip for us lazy-ass Americans, and after withdrawing a wad of baht from a dusty ATM, we grabbed a cab to our hotel. Chiang Mai immediately reminded me of suburban Japan, small windy streets with miniscule sidewalks and traffic on a perpetual duck and weave. Thai drivers honk incessantly. Not the sharp angry fuck-you honk of say, the commute between SF and Cupertino, but more a quick and friendly tap-tap to alert the countless bicyclists who brave even the speediest of thoroughfares.


(The first in a series of one pictures of me using a telephone)

Checking into the tropical Yaang Come Hotel, we were quickly put at ease. We could see splashing kids in the pool from the leafy open air lobby, and the rooms were decked out in local crafts to a degree that was charming without being kitschy (a price sheet warned us about pocketing the wooden statues on the mantle, our gracious hosts having been subject to too much souvenir-ing). The three of us cleaned up and headed out, consulting a quick map and asking one of the friendly concierges a good place to eat, which went something like this:

Andrej: Where's a good place to eat lunch near here?

Nice Thai Lady: I suggest the Antique Cafe around the corner, they have English menus.

Isaac (ever the intrepid traveler): But where did you eat lunch?

NTL: Here, at work.

IB: Hmm, how about yesterday?

NTL: Here.

IB: What if you weren't going to eat here, where would you eat?

NTL: The Antique Cafe.

So after a nice enough meal at the Antique Cafe, we meandered around, passing through the Night Market area, which was largely tons of stalls hocking the same Singha Beer tee-shirts and "Abibas" sporting goods from China, but full of unfailingly friendly people and tons of good things to eat. While Cindy dozed in our room, Andrej and I walked around the touristy Night Market, had a quick drink (Mojito for him, Campari for me) amongst loud, lobster-like Anglos and then slept in the cool comfort of our peaceful room. I woke up early the next morning and went running at sunup along the Ping River, the local joggers going the opposite direction giving me a sporty salute in passing. I got back to the hotel, ate some of the wholly edible breakfast buffet (see China hotel later) and lay by the pool for an hour reading until it was time to fly out. There was some subsequent internal discussion about the lingering next-day effects of the spicy food (Not from me. Or Andrej.), but generally Thailand was a breeze. Honestly, I'd not really thought much of passing through, but having done so, it's easy to see the appeal. Nice people, nice food, free wifi, etc. Important side note, I didn't spy anything even vaguely sleazy the entire time there, in stark contrast to the stereotype of Thailand as creepy sex capital of Asia. Actually, some of those English dudes at the bar were pretty sleazy, but none of the local ladies were having it.


Yourantai B&B in Jinghong

Days Four to Eighteen to follow....